Advice Blog

Dear Ann,My lover is the most attentive, affectionate woman on earth; she can hardly stand to be separated from me, in fact she will call in tears just from missing me if we're apart a couple of days. However, when I proposed marriage to her, she acted shocked and basically refused. Should I ask her why or wait and propose again later?- StumpedDear Stumped,Dostoyevskian torment over separations aside, in what manner does she show her love? I'm wondering if she's only deeply moved by the sight of a departing train. Does she discuss the future at all? Does she pick up on your likes and dislikes? She may be enjoying every magical moment with you as a stop gap until Mr. Right comes along, or she may just have been startled by your proposal and feeling the timing was off. When translated into the Zeirgeist, or collective unconscious, one would wonder if she's a feminist who regards marriage as too twentieth century. Talk to her about her reasons rather than waiting and trying again.* * * Dear Ann,I'm rather interested in a man I'll call Toby, but there's something odd about him: he scours everything with his nose like a pig digging for truffles, often commenting on the "marvelous aroma," "magnificent scents," etc. It's a bit over the top. Is sniffing some kind of fetish?.WonderingDear Wondering:The lines between enthusiasm, obsession, and fetishism sometimes blur; in fact most abnormal behavior is an exaggeration of the normal. As you are writing me, you are annoyed by this sniffer, and you will soon be driven crazy. In time irritating habits are magnified in the mind of the beholder rather than diminished. I am a widower trying to advise my daughter, a beautiful young woman. She became involved with a Frenchman, and the relationship soon fizzled. That is, he left. She blames the fact that he had an affair with his mother's best friend when he was eighteen. Would this warp him permanently? Is there any point in her trying to get him back? She still cares.Thanks for help,DadDear Dad:The affair with mama's friend isn't the reason, unless he's like Colette's Cherie. The affair with the older woman is a rite de passage for a French adolescent, and what are Maman's friends for? He is making excuses. If the lover were l'oncle, I might be more impressed. To answer your question: no, this man is not a keeper.* * *Dear Ann,I read an earlier column of yours where you described aphrodisiac foods and cooked my lover the ideal meal. Now all he talks about is what a great chef I am and when are we going to eat more?Yours,LouiseDear Louise,Uh-oh, maybe you inadvertently tapped into his addiction. If he talks more about food than he does about you, be cautious. I'm not coming down hard against him, just curious about his priorities and passions.* * *Dear Ann,I am twenty-two, and this Christmas there will be some good parties where I might meet someone. My grandmother always said, "You never know when a door will open and your fate will walk in." My question for you: what make-up do you recommend?Sincerely,ErinDear Erin,Men like a natural look, and to us at Fashionlines this translates to carefully applied makeup. It takes longer and requires more skill to look natural than it does to look like Bette Davis. A girl your age doesn't need a coat of makeup on her face. If your skin is a pasty color, you can add a little color tint like Agnes B. apricot or tinted Neutrogena. Use a concealer for serious flaws; make sure it's a good match and blend it carefully. Avoid thickener mascaras and go for one that separates the lashes and just adds color. Better, dye your lashes. Shape your brows intelligently. The brow line is important to the look of your face. Check magazines and see how the brows are shaped, especially on faces that resemble yours. Lip-gloss should add shine but not look greasy or sticky. This is not easy, and it has to do largely with amount. Apply the blush, smile, blot off excess; you want to avoid globs or streaks. Blush is dangerous to those who would look natural and should be applied with a minimalist hand if at all. Smile when applying to find the apples in your cheeks where the blush belongs. Remove excess with a clean, dry tissue instead of fingers.The oil on fingers may cause blotchiness.* * *Dear AnnI'm a man, and I want to marry once only, for life. I've seen good marriages, bad, and divorces. I asked my father how you know if you're happily married, and he looked bemused, said he didn't know. Ann, what do you think?Signed,BarnabyDear Barnaby,Somebody once asked writer Dawn Powell about her 42 year long marriage, and she replied that her husband "is the only person in the world I find it always a kick to run into on the street." * * *Dear Ann,I am considering Lasik surgery. Is it safe?JustinDear Justin,You may or may not have asked the right person. My husband is a neurosurgeon, and like most surgery families, we go under the knife only in extremis. All surgery is risky, and that includes laser. Substituting a laser beam for a knife doesn't mean you're not cutting flesh. Lasik correction is touted as a fast, painless and permanent way for nearsighted and farsighted people to restore their vision. A doctor cuts a flap in the cornea and then reshapes the exposed area with a laser. It costs over $2000 per eye. Since 1996, over two million people including Cindy Crawford and Courtney Cox have had this procedure, and in five percent of the cases complications develop: infection, blurred vision, or halos of light marring the sight. No pregnant woman or person on cumaden should try it. Be wary of doctors who advertise a lot or give a hard sell. We would speak of board certification, and we do as a first step, but it's not a panacea. "People" magazine just ran a scary article about people who died from liposuction and other procedures done by board certified plastic surgeons. Another consideration: glasses are cool and trendy now. So why not check out some of the great frames Armani and others are making and pop in some prescription lenses? You'll probably go ahead with your Lasik surgery; most people do, even though they ask. Good luck.* * *Dear Ann,I think I may be falling in love, and I wonder if it's reciprocated. I met a man, we spent some magical time together; he's beautiful, sensitive, talented, deep. Maybe I'm just wacko, but a couple of little things bother me. Could you give me perspective? You will probably say I'm a ridiculous baby, and I wouldn't blame you, but here are my issues: 1. He kept staring at photos of Cindy Crawford in a magazine in front of me. Couldn't he have tactfully waited and stared in private? 2. We had lunch with an older friend of mine, a woman who is like a sister to me and nice looking for her age, but - well, you know what I'm saying. He said she looks just like "XX", a movie star. I am writing under an alias and don't want anything to give away who I am, therefore I'll just call the star "XX." Ann, why didn't he say I remind him of a movie star? It's not that I am conceited, but if she reminds him of a star, I would think I would, too.Sign me,Silly girlDear Silly,You know what? "Smart girl" is the better name for you. Yes, these are extremely worrisome signs. In the beginning stage of a romantic relationship, a lover should show emotional tact, have eyes only for you, and compliments as well. So where does that leave us? As too sadly often in this column and life there is more than one possible answer: 1. He could be slightly sadistic, manipulative, and a poseur, a man more interested in games than real connection. 2. He may be an OK guy who just wants to communicate that your liaison is not to be taken seriously. I don't know. Keep me posted. The situation, it must be said, looks murky at best.* * *Dear Ann,Charles and I have started dating; he is a promoter who books concerts for a number of classical musicians. We both love music, and I do what I can to help him. He said, "I often become friendly with people who share my ideals." What does this mean?DelphineDear Delphine,He could be another Spinoza, or he could be telling you he sleeps around a lot and you need to know.* * *Dear Ann,Do you know anything about modern art? I am a faithful reader of Fashionlines, LOVE IT, and notice you often write about art. I am considering buying an abstract painting, though I don't really understand it. How do I know if it's good or not? The gallery owner says the artist is one of the top in Europe.X0,Wish I could afford Van GoghDear Wish,Don't we all. OK, dealers hang onto their artists by selling their work. Period. Well, selling and generating publicity. Any successful dealer is good at persuading buyers and manipulating the press. They are believable and charming in one way or another; they have to be. Some have the patronizing-expert sort of charm, others the warm-enthusiastic. It's a difference in style, not substance. To answer your question, call the curatorial departments of three major modern museums and ask if anyone has heard of your artist. Call the major auction houses and see if they accept his work on consignment. Ask around about the gallery's standing. New York dominates the modern art world with London running a distant second. There's strength in Barcelona and Milan. If you are buying from one of the most powerful dealers in New York, you're fine. They know how to make it all happen whether the artist deserves it or not.* * *Dear Ann,My lover told me his wife was always mad at him, so I thought he was in splitsville. Now he has ended our relationship saying he loves his wife. What do you make of this?Thank you,BergittaDear Bergitta,A married man ending an affair always hides behind his wife, just as one beginning an affair says his wife doesn't understand him. Why did he really bail? Here I am saying I'm not sure again. It's embarrassing, but I'm not. Maybe he met someone else, a teenager, a boy - who knows? Maybe his wife found out about the affair and gave him a good beating. Maybe he is just a serial hitter with an established repertoire. If he seems sincere and caring to you, it may well be his M.O. Anyway, forget him.* * *Dear Ann,I produce Indie films, love it, but am exhausted. Should I quit and become a script writer of something else easy? If not, why not?Best,MonaDear Mona,It's cool and glamorous to be a producer. Not cool and glamorous to be a scriptwriter. Let me, for the sake of other readers, give a list of what is cool and glamorous and what is not: Cool and glamorous: being a publisher, a famous chef, a rock star, supermodel, photographer, NFL player, pilot (plane must be your own), a so-famous person you need to be escorted through cities in black limos with sirens screaming and headlights glaring, a novelist, a confidante of the US President (usually), a friend of Jim Clark or Bill Gates, a reader of e-magazines, the only reporter on Everest, a racer of Lamborghinis, creator of art videos, pilgrim (rich) who visits Burmese monks who are personal friends.Not cool and glamorous: being a staff writer, wielding a mean bar-b-que poker, criticizing countries you might be visiting, being a lingerie model, a lounge lizard, a member of United's frequent flyer program, a jay walker, a confidante of a Congressman in your district, a friend of a friend of a cast member of "Friends" (the show isn't delivering this fall)); a reader of print magazines only, reporter whose beat is tea parties, driver of an RV without needing the room for your soccer team (if you do, it's OK), fan of prepackaged "vacations in paradise."* * *Dear Ann,Maurice is in his early thirties, I in my forties, and he has taken me on as a confident. He is tall, handsome, charming, well-situated in life. His problem is that the girls his own age don't appreciate him. He suffers so many rejections. For the life of me, I can't comprehend why; is it because he is an old world gentleman and the girls today become so decadent they don't appreciate good manners? Can you help me help him?Caringly,ConnieDear Connie,Exactly how many times has he struck out? Have there been any successes, or is he still a virgin? Trust me, girls always adore good manners and flattering attention; the new generation is no exception. He either secretly wants you and is trying to do a tea and sympathy number on you, or he unconsciously wants you or someone like you and therefore sends insincere signals to the girls his own age. Or maybe he's just whining over a couple of rejections; after all, none of us can attract EVERY target, desirable as that would be. The other possibility is he has a sexual orientation confusion which is obvious to the babes. Give them credit; like their elders, they have antenna.* * *Dear Ann,I am 15, Justin is 17, and we're hooked up. He wants to do the whole number, but I am a virgin and not ready. I am getting the idea he will break up with me if I go on saying no. What are your thoughts?Lovingly,MarileeDear Marilee,The guy who will break up with you for not doing it is the one who will talk if you do. trust me on this.* * *Dear Ann,I bought a good outfit because it was on sale, but it doesn't look good on me. Nobody even compliments it much. Should I go on wearing it?Signed,CecileDear Cecile,There is no such thing as a good outfit that doesn't look good on you. It's a bad outfit if it doesn't work for you. Don't go there again. Meanwhile, find a talented seamstress and plead with her to do a redesign. Changing shoulders, neckline, waistline (lowering or raising) can help. Good luck.* * *Dear Ann,Every time I pop a pimple my mother the meddler tells me to stop. What is it with her? I'm sick of it, sick of her.So sincerely,SusieDear Susie,She's afraid you'll be known as scarface some day. Meanwhile you don't want these snow-capped Mt. Everest eruptions on your face. Treat them as surgeon would a delicate operation. Cleanse face, hands, apply alcohol (rubbing, not tequila), dip a sharp needle you haven't used before in alcohol. Pop and remove ugly stuff, but do not squeeze too hard or you'll end up looking worse than you did before. Finish with more alcohol, medicinal peroxide. The peroxide is the most potent drying agent. We're talking pimples here. A person with severe acne should go to a dermatologist for treatment. There are powerful meds today that can deal with even the most severe cases. * * *Dear Ann,A handsome European has captured my heart, and just thinking about him brings a smile to my lips. One tiny thing: he often says my comments are "so American" with a bored sneer. Should I ignore them?Your friend,CindiDear Cindi,He has no manners. A person of breeding never slights another's race, religion, or country of origin. Usually these insults are derived from a warranted feeling of insecurity. For example, in "The Robber Bride" Margaret Atwood wrote, re moving from Canada to California, "(it was) a lapse of taste...Why go to California where the bread is even arier, the accent ever flatter, the grammar even more spurious than it is here?" That's funny. In the Bay Area alone we have Pulitzer Prize fiction writers, Booker Prize finalists, and a Nobel Laureate poet. All Atwood has won is little known Canadian prizes like the Trillium Award. See what we mean? under an alias and don't want anything to give away who I am, therefore I'll just call the star "XX." Ann, why didn't he say I remind him of a movie star? It's not that I am conceited, but if she reminds him of a star, I would think I would, too.Sign me,Silly girlDear Silly,You know what? "Smart girl" is the better name for you. Yes, these are extremely worrisome signs. In the beginning stage of a romantic relationship, a lover should show emotional tact, have eyes only for you, and compliments as well. So where does that leave us? As too sadly often in this column and life there is more than one possible answer: 1. He could be slightly sadistic, manipulative, and a poseur, a man more interested in games than real connection. 2. He may be an OK guy who just wants to communicate that your liaison is not to be taken seriously. I don't know. Keep me posted. The situation, it must be said, looks murky at best.* * *Dear Ann,Charles and I have started dating; he is a promoter who books concerts for a number of classical musicians. We both love music, and I do what I can to help him. He said, "I often become friendly with people who share my ideals." What does this mean?DelphineDear Delphine,He could be another Spinoza, or he could be telling you he sleeps around a lot and you need to know.
Dear Ann,My lover is the most attentive, affectionate woman on earth; she can hardly stand to be separated from me, in fact she will call in tears just from missing me if we're apart a couple of days. However, when I proposed marriage to her, she acted shocked and basically refused. Should I ask her why or wait and propose again later?- StumpedDear Stumped,Dostoyevskian torment over separations aside, in what manner does she show her love? I'm wondering if she's only deeply moved by the sight of a departing train. Does she discuss the future at all? Does she pick up on your likes and dislikes? She may be enjoying every magical moment with you as a stop gap until Mr. Right comes along, or she may just have been startled by your proposal and feeling the timing was off. When translated into the Zeirgeist, or collective unconscious, one would wonder if she's a feminist who regards marriage as too twentieth century. Talk to her about her reasons rather than waiting and trying again.* * * Dear Ann,I'm rather interested in a man I'll call Toby, but there's something odd about him: he scours everything with his nose like a pig digging for truffles, often commenting on the "marvelous aroma," "magnificent scents," etc. It's a bit over the top. Is sniffing some kind of fetish?.WonderingDear Wondering:The lines between enthusiasm, obsession, and fetishism sometimes blur; in fact most abnormal behavior is an exaggeration of the normal. As you are writing me, you are annoyed by this sniffer, and you will soon be driven crazy. In time irritating habits are magnified in the mind of the beholder rather than diminished.* * *Dear Ann,In the past month I lost my job and my boyfriend; I will soon lose my apartment, as he paid half the rent. I am frantic and feel totally confused. Help!Sincerely,DesperateDear Desperate:The Chinese character for "crisis" combines "danger" and "opportunity." You've lost the major elements of your present life. Instead of immediately trying to replace them, why not consider new options? Think about your work first and the rest (guys) will follow. You can find many career counseling websites and job opportunities on the Internet, as well as part time work to tide you over. Talk to your landlord; tell him you're having problems and ask for a period of grace with the promise of reimbursement later. Worst case, you may be able to camp out with friends for a while.* * *Dear Ann:I am a widower trying to advise my daughter, a beautiful young woman. She became involved with a Frenchman, and the relationship soon fizzled. That is, he left. She blames the fact that he had an affair with his mother's best friend when he was eighteen. Would this warp him permanently? Is there any point in her trying to get him back? She still cares.Thanks for help,DadDear Dad:The affair with mama's friend isn't the reason, unless he's like Colette's Cherie. The affair with the older woman is a rite de passage for a French adolescent, and what are Maman's friends for? He is making excuses. If the lover were l'oncle, I might be more impressed. To answer your question: no, this man is not a keeper.* * *Dear Ann,I read an earlier column of yours where you described aphrodisiac foods and cooked my lover the ideal meal. Now all he talks about is what a great chef I am and when are we going to eat more?Yours,LouiseDear Louise,Uh-oh, maybe you inadvertently tapped into his addiction. If he talks more about food than he does about you, be cautious. I'm not coming down hard against him, just curious about his priorities and passions.* * *Dear Ann,I am twenty-two, and this Christmas there will be some good parties where I might meet someone. My grandmother always said, "You never know when a door will open and your fate will walk in." My question for you: what make-up do you recommend?Sincerely,ErinDear Erin,Men like a natural look, and to us at Fashionlines this translates to carefully applied makeup. It takes longer and requires more skill to look natural than it does to look like Bette Davis. A girl your age doesn't need a coat of makeup on her face. If your skin is a pasty color, you can add a little color tint like Agnes B. apricot or tinted Neutrogena. Use a concealer for serious flaws; make sure it's a good match and blend it carefully. Avoid thickener mascaras and go for one that separates the lashes and just adds color. Better, dye your lashes. Shape your brows intelligently. The brow line is important to the look of your face. Check magazines and see how the brows are shaped, especially on faces that resemble yours. Lip-gloss should add shine but not look greasy or sticky. This is not easy, and it has to do largely with amount. Apply the blush, smile, blot off excess; you want to avoid globs or streaks. Blush is dangerous to those who would look natural and should be applied with a minimalist hand if at all. Smile when applying to find the apples in your cheeks where the blush belongs. Remove excess with a clean, dry tissue instead of fingers.The oil on fingers may cause blotchiness.* * *Dear AnnI'm a man, and I want to marry once only, for life. I've seen good marriages, bad, and divorces. I asked my father how you know if you're happily married, and he looked bemused, said he didn't know. Ann, what do you think?Signed,BarnabyDear Barnaby,Somebody once asked writer Dawn Powell about her 42 year long marriage, and she replied that her husband "is the only person in the world I find it always a kick to run into on the street." * * *Dear Ann,I am considering Lasik surgery. Is it safe?JustinDear Justin,You may or may not have asked the right person. My husband is a neurosurgeon, and like most surgery families, we go under the knife only in extremis. All surgery is risky, and that includes laser. Substituting a laser beam for a knife doesn't mean you're not cutting flesh. Lasik correction is touted as a fast, painless and permanent way for nearsighted and farsighted people to restore their vision. A doctor cuts a flap in the cornea and then reshapes the exposed area with a laser. It costs over $2000 per eye. Since 1996, over two million people including Cindy Crawford and Courtney Cox have had this procedure, and in five percent of the cases complications develop: infection, blurred vision, or halos of light marring the sight. No pregnant woman or person on cumaden should try it. Be wary of doctors who advertise a lot or give a hard sell. We would speak of board certification, and we do as a first step, but it's not a panacea. "People" magazine just ran a scary article about people who died from liposuction and other procedures done by board certified plastic surgeons. Another consideration: glasses are cool and trendy now. So why not check out some of the great frames Armani and others are making and pop in some prescription lenses? You'll probably go ahead with your Lasik surgery; most people do, even though they ask. Good luck.* * *Dear Ann,I think I may be falling in love, and I wonder if it's reciprocated. I met a man, we spent some magical time together; he's beautiful, sensitive, talented, deep. Maybe I'm just wacko, but a couple of little things bother me. Could you give me perspective? You will probably say I'm a ridiculous baby, and I wouldn't blame you, but here are my issues: 1. He kept staring at photos of Cindy Crawford in a magazine in front of me. Couldn't he have tactfully waited and stared in private? 2. We had lunch with an older friend of mine, a woman who is like a sister to me and nice looking for her age, but - well, you know what I'm saying. He said she looks just like "XX", a movie star. I am writing under an alias and don't want anything to give away who I am, therefore I'll just call the star "XX." Ann, why didn't he say I remind him of a movie star? It's not that I am conceited, but if she reminds him of a star, I would think I would, too.Sign me,Silly girlDear Silly,You know what? "Smart girl" is the better name for you. Yes, these are extremely worrisome signs. In the beginning stage of a romantic relationship, a lover should show emotional tact, have eyes only for you, and compliments as well. So where does that leave us? As too sadly often in this column and life there is more than one possible answer: 1. He could be slightly sadistic, manipulative, and a poseur, a man more interested in games than real connection. 2. He may be an OK guy who just wants to communicate that your liaison is not to be taken seriously. I don't know. Keep me posted. The situation, it must be said, looks murky at best.* * *Dear Ann,Charles and I have started dating; he is a promoter who books concerts for a number of classical musicians. We both love music, and I do what I can to help him. He said, "I often become friendly with people who share my ideals." What does this mean?DelphineDear Delphine,He could be another Spinoza, or he could be telling you he sleeps around a lot and you need to know.* * *Dear Ann,Do you know anything about modern art? I am a faithful reader of Fashionlines, LOVE IT, and notice you often write about art. I am considering buying an abstract painting, though I don't really understand it. How do I know if it's good or not? The gallery owner says the artist is one of the top in Europe.X0,Wish I could afford Van GoghDear Wish,Don't we all. OK, dealers hang onto their artists by selling their work. Period. Well, selling and generating publicity. Any successful dealer is good at persuading buyers and manipulating the press. They are believable and charming in one way or another; they have to be. Some have the patronizing-expert sort of charm, others the warm-enthusiastic. It's a difference in style, not substance. To answer your question, call the curatorial departments of three major modern museums and ask if anyone has heard of your artist. Call the major auction houses and see if they accept his work on consignment. Ask around about the gallery's standing. New York dominates the modern art world with London running a distant second. There's strength in Barcelona and Milan. If you are buying from one of the most powerful dealers in New York, you're fine. They know how to make it all happen whether the artist deserves it or not.* * *Dear Ann,My lover told me his wife was always mad at him, so I thought he was in splitsville. Now he has ended our relationship saying he loves his wife. What do you make of this?Thank you,BergittaDear Bergitta,A married man ending an affair always hides behind his wife, just as one beginning an affair says his wife doesn't understand him. Why did he really bail? Here I am saying I'm not sure again. It's embarrassing, but I'm not. Maybe he met someone else, a teenager, a boy - who knows? Maybe his wife found out about the affair and gave him a good beating. Maybe he is just a serial hitter with an established repertoire. If he seems sincere and caring to you, it may well be his M.O. Anyway, forget him.
Dear Ann,My lover is the most attentive, affectionate woman on earth; she can hardly stand to be separated from me, in fact she will call in tears just from missing me if we're apart a couple of days. However, when I proposed marriage to her, she acted shocked and basically refused. Should I ask her why or wait and propose again later?- StumpedDear Stumped,Dostoyevskian torment over separations aside, in what manner does she show her love? I'm wondering if she's only deeply moved by the sight of a departing train. Does she discuss the future at all? Does she pick up on your likes and dislikes? She may be enjoying every magical moment with you as a stop gap until Mr. Right comes along, or she may just have been startled by your proposal and feeling the timing was off. When translated into the Zeirgeist, or collective unconscious, one would wonder if she's a feminist who regards marriage as too twentieth century. Talk to her about her reasons rather than waiting and trying again.* * * Dear Ann,I'm rather interested in a man I'll call Toby, but there's something odd about him: he scours everything with his nose like a pig digging for truffles, often commenting on the "marvelous aroma," "magnificent scents," etc. It's a bit over the top. Is sniffing some kind of fetish?.WonderingDear Wondering:The lines between enthusiasm, obsession, and fetishism sometimes blur; in fact most abnormal behavior is an exaggeration of the normal. As you are writing me, you are annoyed by this sniffer, and you will soon be driven crazy. In time irritating habits are magnified in the mind of the beholder rather than diminished.* * *Dear Ann,In the past month I lost my job and my boyfriend; I will soon lose my apartment, as he paid half the rent. I am frantic and feel totally confused. Help!Sincerely,DesperateDear Desperate:The Chinese character for "crisis" combines "danger" and "opportunity." You've lost the major elements of your present life. Instead of immediately trying to replace them, why not consider new options? Think about your work first and the rest (guys) will follow. You can find many career counseling websites and job opportunities on the Internet, as well as part time work to tide you over. Talk to your landlord; tell him you're having problems and ask for a period of grace with the promise of reimbursement later. Worst case, you may be able to camp out with friends for a while.* * *Dear Ann:I am a widower trying to advise my daughter, a beautiful young woman. She became involved with a Frenchman, and the relationship soon fizzled. That is, he left. She blames the fact that he had an affair with his mother's best friend when he was eighteen. Would this warp him permanently? Is there any point in her trying to get him back? She still cares.Thanks for help,DadDear Dad:The affair with mama's friend isn't the reason, unless he's like Colette's Cherie. The affair with the older woman is a rite de passage for a French adolescent, and what are Maman's friends for? He is making excuses. If the lover were l'oncle, I might be more impressed. To answer your question: no, this man is not a keeper.* * *Dear Ann,I read an earlier column of yours where you described aphrodisiac foods and cooked my lover the ideal meal. Now all he talks about is what a great chef I am and when are we going to eat more?Yours,LouiseDear Louise,Uh-oh, maybe you inadvertently tapped into his addiction. If he talks more about food than he does about you, be cautious. I'm not coming down hard against him, just curious about his priorities and passions.* * *Dear Ann,I am twenty-two, and this Christmas there will be some good parties where I might meet someone. My grandmother always said, "You never know when a door will open and your fate will walk in." My question for you: what make-up do you recommend?Sincerely,ErinDear Erin,Men like a natural look, and to us at Fashionlines this translates to carefully applied makeup. It takes longer and requires more skill to look natural than it does to look like Bette Davis. A girl your age doesn't need a coat of makeup on her face. If your skin is a pasty color, you can add a little color tint like Agnes B. apricot or tinted Neutrogena. Use a concealer for serious flaws; make sure it's a good match and blend it carefully. Avoid thickener mascaras and go for one that separates the lashes and just adds color. Better, dye your lashes. Shape your brows intelligently. The brow line is important to the look of your face. Check magazines and see how the brows are shaped, especially on faces that resemble yours. Lip-gloss should add shine but not look greasy or sticky. This is not easy, and it has to do largely with amount. Apply the blush, smile, blot off excess; you want to avoid globs or streaks. Blush is dangerous to those who would look natural and should be applied with a minimalist hand if at all. Smile when applying to find the apples in your cheeks where the blush belongs. Remove excess with a clean, dry tissue instead of fingers.The oil on fingers may cause blotchiness.* * *Dear AnnI'm a man, and I want to marry once only, for life. I've seen good marriages, bad, and divorces. I asked my father how you know if you're happily married, and he looked bemused, said he didn't know. Ann, what do you think?Signed,BarnabyDear Barnaby,Somebody once asked writer Dawn Powell about her 42 year long marriage, and she replied that her husband "is the only person in the world I find it always a kick to run into on the street." * * *Dear Ann,I am considering Lasik surgery. Is it safe?JustinDear Justin,You may or may not have asked the right person. My husband is a neurosurgeon, and like most surgery families, we go under the knife only in extremis. All surgery is risky, and that includes laser. Substituting a laser beam for a knife doesn't mean you're not cutting flesh. Lasik correction is touted as a fast, painless and permanent way for nearsighted and farsighted people to restore their vision. A doctor cuts a flap in the cornea and then reshapes the exposed area with a laser. It costs over $2000 per eye. Since 1996, over two million people including Cindy Crawford and Courtney Cox have had this procedure, and in five percent of the cases complications develop: infection, blurred vision, or halos of light marring the sight. No pregnant woman or person on cumaden should try it. Be wary of doctors who advertise a lot or give a hard sell. We would speak of board certification, and we do as a first step, but it's not a panacea. "People" magazine just ran a scary article about people who died from liposuction and other procedures done by board certified plastic surgeons. Another consideration: glasses are cool and trendy now. So why not check out some of the great frames Armani and others are making and pop in some prescription lenses? You'll probably go ahead with your Lasik surgery; most people do, even though they ask. Good luck.* * *Dear Ann,I think I may be falling in love, and I wonder if it's reciprocated. I met a man, we spent some magical time together; he's beautiful, sensitive, talented, deep. Maybe I'm just wacko, but a couple of little things bother me. Could you give me perspective? You will probably say I'm a ridiculous baby, and I wouldn't blame you, but here are my issues: 1. He kept staring at photos of Cindy Crawford in a magazine in front of me. Couldn't he have tactfully waited and stared in private? 2. We had lunch with an older friend of mine, a woman who is like a sister to me and nice looking for her age, but - well, you know what I'm saying. He said she looks just like "XX", a movie star. I am writing under an alias and don't want anything to give away who I am, therefore I'll just call the star "XX." Ann, why didn't he say I remind him of a movie star? It's not that I am conceited, but if she reminds him of a star, I would think I would, too.Sign me,Silly girlDear Silly,You know what? "Smart girl" is the better name for you. Yes, these are extremely worrisome signs. In the beginning stage of a romantic relationship, a lover should show emotional tact, have eyes only for you, and compliments as well. So where does that leave us? As too sadly often in this column and life there is more than one possible answer: 1. He could be slightly sadistic, manipulative, and a poseur, a man more interested in games than real connection. 2. He may be an OK guy who just wants to communicate that your liaison is not to be taken seriously. I don't know. Keep me posted. The situation, it must be said, looks murky at best.* * *Dear Ann,Charles and I have started dating; he is a promoter who books concerts for a number of classical musicians. We both love music, and I do what I can to help him. He said, "I often become friendly with people who share my ideals." What does this mean?DelphineDear Delphine,He could be another Spinoza, or he could be telling you he sleeps around a lot and you need to know.* * *Dear Ann,Do you know anything about modern art? I am a faithful reader of Fashionlines, LOVE IT, and notice you often write about art. I am considering buying an abstract painting, though I don't really understand it. How do I know if it's good or not? The gallery owner says the artist is one of the top in Europe.X0,Wish I could afford Van GoghDear Wish,Don't we all. OK, dealers hang onto their artists by selling their work. Period. Well, selling and generating publicity. Any successful dealer is good at persuading buyers and manipulating the press. They are believable and charming in one way or another; they have to be. Some have the patronizing-expert sort of charm, others the warm-enthusiastic. It's a difference in style, not substance. To answer your question, call the curatorial departments of three major modern museums and ask if anyone has heard of your artist. Call the major auction houses and see if they accept his work on consignment. Ask around about the gallery's standing. New York dominates the modern art world with London running a distant second. There's strength in Barcelona and Milan. If you are buying from one of the most powerful dealers in New York, you're fine. They know how to make it all happen whether the artist deserves it or not.* * *Dear Ann,My lover told me his wife was always mad at him, so I thought he was in splitsville. Now he has ended our relationship saying he loves his wife. What do you make of this?Thank you,BergittaDear Bergitta,A married man ending an affair always hides behind his wife, just as one beginning an affair says his wife doesn't understand him. Why did he really bail? Here I am saying I'm not sure again. It's embarrassing, but I'm not. Maybe he met someone else, a teenager, a boy - who knows? Maybe his wife found out about the affair and gave him a good beating. Maybe he is just a serial hitter with an established repertoire. If he seems sincere and caring to you, it may well be his M.O. Anyway, forget him.* * *Dear Ann,I produce Indie films, love it, but am exhausted. Should I quit and become a script writer of something else easy? If not, why not?Best,MonaDear Mona,It's cool and glamorous to be a producer. Not cool and glamorous to be a scriptwriter. Let me, for the sake of other readers, give a list of what is cool and glamorous and what is not: Cool and glamorous: being a publisher, a famous chef, a rock star, supermodel, photographer, NFL player, pilot (plane must be your own), a so-famous person you need to be escorted through cities in black limos with sirens screaming and headlights glaring, a novelist, a confidante of the US President (usually), a friend of Jim Clark or Bill Gates, a reader of e-magazines, the only reporter on Everest, a racer of Lamborghinis, creator of art videos, pilgrim (rich) who visits Burmese monks who are personal friends.Not cool and glamorous: being a staff writer, wielding a mean bar-b-que poker, criticizing countries you might be visiting, being a lingerie model, a lounge lizard, a member of United's frequent flyer program, a jay walker, a confidante of a Congressman in your district, a friend of a friend of a cast member of "Friends" (the show isn't delivering this fall)); a reader of print magazines only, reporter whose beat is tea parties, driver of an RV without needing the room for your soccer team (if you do, it's OK), fan of prepackaged "vacations in paradise."* * *Dear Ann,Maurice is in his early thirties, I in my forties, and he has taken me on as a confident. He is tall, handsome, charming, well-situated in life. His problem is that the girls his own age don't appreciate him. He suffers so many rejections. For the life of me, I can't comprehend why; is it because he is an old world gentleman and the girls today become so decadent they don't appreciate good manners? Can you help me help him?Caringly,ConnieDear Connie,Exactly how many times has he struck out? Have there been any successes, or is he still a virgin? Trust me, girls always adore good manners and flattering attention; the new generation is no exception. He either secretly wants you and is trying to do a tea and sympathy number on you, or he unconsciously wants you or someone like you and therefore sends insincere signals to the girls his own age. Or maybe he's just whining over a couple of rejections; after all, none of us can attract EVERY target, desirable as that would be. The other possibility is he has a sexual orientation confusion which is obvious to the babes. Give them credit; like their elders, they have antenna.* * *
met a man in another city, and the chemistry between us was immediate and very intense. Soon we became close - you know what I mean - and since then I can't figure him out. He makes plans and dates, breaks them (always with plausible excuses), he communicates, withdraws, back and forth, and yet when I'm with him, the chemistry is huge for both of us. Ann, what shall I do? Sign,Looking for answers
Dear Looking,You've come to the right place, because the answer to this one is simple: buy yourself a see-saw. That way you can accustom yourself to the up and down rhythms that are sure to persist in this relationship. You are probably hoping I am wrong and at some distant point an epiphany of communication will occur between the two of you that will elevate the relationship to a higher plane of serenity, a state where you will be able to look back on the ups and downs and laugh. No, Honey. It won't happen. Guys put their best foot forward for the openers; trust me on that. Training and conditioning are helpful in any given situation. To find a see-saw that works with your interior decor or your lovely garden, use your Internet search engines: playground equipment is one possible keyword. There are others. And you know what? There are other guys as well.

I have a beloved boy friend who is handsome, cultured, sensitive, perfect in every way except for one fault: if I say something that hurts his feelings, he will be silent for days. Is this a sign of depth and profundity?Maisie
Dear Maisie,It is a sign he is spoiled. It's a big mistake to confuse passive-aggressive behavior with sensitivity. The silent treatment is the most devastating (to the recipient) form of this type of hostile power manipulation. Why don't you try giving him the silent treatment and see how he reacts?

Dear Ann,Some years ago I had an affair with a man in my office and fell madly in love with him. I was always doing my work and his, too, extending endless favors. Sometimes I stayed up all night doing projects that were essentially his job. We split painfully and did not see one another for years. Then circumstances brought us together again as friends. We both had other romantic involvements and were delighted to rekindle the intellectual and professional aspects of our former relationship. However, I soon discovered he was once again expecting me to do endless favors for him (give him information, sources, etc.) but when I asked one favor of him, he waffled around, making it clear he may or may not deliver. Ann, what do you think about this? Maria
Dear Maria,I think you should bail. The man cannot tell the difference between a friend and an esclave d'amour. He probably thinks you are an ever-flowing fountain of generosity whose joy in reconnecting will quite naturally take the form of endlessly helping him. He does not appear to grasp the quid pro quo of friendship, at least not with you.


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I fell madly in love with a man practically at first sight. Now I'm trying to get over him, and when I do, it will be a devastating blow to him because he will feel it like poisonous fish in a cold arctic sea. I vacillate, but each time I swing against him, I swing a little further away, and the catch up towards adoration gets harder. Why does falling out of love take so much longer than falling into it? Ms. RomanceDear Romance,It's exactly like gaining and losing weight. A weekend with friends in the country can pack on five pounds. It takes months to get them off. Maybe years.
I fell madly in love with a man practically at first sight. Now I'm trying to get over him, and when I do, it will be a devastating blow to him because he will feel it like poisonous fish in a cold arctic sea. I vacillate, but each time I swing against him, I swing a little further away, and the catch up towards adoration gets harder. Why does falling out of love take so much longer than falling into it? Ms. RomanceDear Romance,It's exactly like gaining and losing weight. A weekend with friends in the country can pack on five pounds. It takes months to get them off. Maybe years.* * *Dear Ann,I am 16 and doing well in school, but one thing is really stressing me out: guys keep telling me my girl friend is making out with my best friend behind my back. I don't know if it's true, but what do say when I'm told these things? Jerked AroundDear Around,Say sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.* * *Dear Ann,I just read about Prince Charles's illegitimate son in Canada, and a columnist, Rob Morse, described the British royal family as "the scum of the earth." I agree except for Wills and Harry. Only Wills could save the royals, but why should he? What should he do? Fan of WillsDear Fan,I would crown Wills King of the United States, thereby avoiding another Florida and providing myself with someone handsome to watch on TV newscasts.* * *Dear Ann,What do you think are the three most common mistakes people make? Friends and I were trying to decide for a list we're doing for the school paper. Thanks. X0,CuriousDear Curious,1. Overwatering potted plants; 2. Overfeeding goldfish; 3. Overwriting.* * *Dear Ann,I am married to a wonderful man, but his mother constantly criticizes and belittles me. I complain to him about her, but he just looks depressed and does nothing. Ann, I have about had it with this situation. What remedies would you suggest?FuriousDear Furious,How many times we have received the exact same letter! There are a lot of women out there who feel a man may have many wives but only one mother. If the first doesn't suit, why not make it clear so sonny can move along? No point staying trapped in a situation not to Mama's satisfaction. To avoid this, industrialist Andrew Carnegie declined to wed as long as his mother lived. After she died, he finally wed at age 52. Leave your husband out of the fray; you will only estrange him by criticizing her. He can't discipline her as if she were an unruly toddler anyway, so what's the point?We always urge people to deal with mothers-in-law on a one-to-one basis, and we're talking mano a mano combat. If you were raised to be courteous and respectful of elders, you must wrap your punches in a snug blanket of respectful courtesies. For example, Mother-in-law, "I saw you talking to another man at church this morning, obviously two-timing your husband." Ethyl, "Most estimable mother-in-law, I fear you project, as you were listening to the pastor's sermon a bit a bit too closely for my comfort. I speak only with the most respectful concern." But do give it back, never let anything go. Mama will get the idea and tone herself down. Most bullies do when confronted. * * *Dear Ann,I was living in a beautiful, sophisticated city but near an ex-husband who treated his second wife much better than he ever treated me. After years of this, a man from another town visited and we fell in love. Now I'm married and living in his town, which is a color-me-gray place filled with tedious, narrow-minded people. I wonder if I should stay here and be bored to death or go home and be lonely and resentful. No, my new husband will not move to my old city. What should I do? Appreciating your column, I sign myselfUndecidedDear Undecided,That used to be a tougher question than it is today, thanks to the Internet. Get yourself a laptop, girl, and see the world. You can keep in touch with your old city through its website and newspapers, which will almost certainly be on the web, plus make new friends through chat rooms. Who knows? One of them may live right next door. The Web aside, mutual activities or concerns will draw people out and make them seem more interesting. Join some clubs built around your hobbies and enthusiasms. Do some volunteer work. And remember: a good man is hard to find; be kind to your new husband. This was not your question, but let us ask it: is there any possibility you were masochistically involved with seeing your ex and number two? Some people are more excited by pain and unrequited longing than by security and devotion. * * * Dear Ann,You won't believe this, but my hairdresser and I have fallen in love. He is so empathetic and caring; in ten minutes with him I feel better about myself than I did during 25 years with my late husband. My lover is very old-fashioned: believes love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. Ann, he is 15 years younger than me. Does this make it impossible?Starry-eyedDear Starry-eyed,Nothing is impossible with the human heart; believe me, I've seen some strange attachments. But two questions: how much money do you have? How much money does he have? I was involved with a man who is a wine connoisseur; for example he's a member of les Chevaliers do Tastevin, an organization based in Burgundy and Paris. Also, he's a gourmet cook. I cannot tell you how many restaurant owners have pleaded with him to go professional; I can only say that his pasta with vegetables would make you weep. By profession he's an art dealer, so talented, and he has dark wavy hair which is a work of art in itself. Now we've split and all my friends are saying they didn't like him in the first place. One even calls his a truffle-sniffing hog and ices it by saying she knows truffle pig is the proper term but she likes the hog imagery. I realize my friend is very loyal to me, but I would like her to stop calling him a truffle-sniffing hog, just on principle. I am not vindictive toward him, as I believe to know all is to forgive all. How can I deal with this friend? ForgivingDear Forgiving,Try christening your ex with a new nickname that satisfies you both, like "vegetable-chopper, " "wine sniffer," or "picture hanger."